Jack Daniel’s got me

It wasn’t a good day yesterday. I’m not sure why. I didn’t get much work done, I was out in the morning consulting the Muse and I hadn’t been back long when Apple called me to tell me the iPad was ready. Being the impatient child that I am, I rushed off down to get it and from now I will do most of my blogging on it. If my typing allows of course, I seem to be making a number of errors on it. Must be the iOS kind of predictable text.

There’s been something wrong today though, must be an impending sense of something going pear-shaped. I hit the remaining JD in the cupboard. This after telling people I didn’t want to betray myself. I haven’t really, not if I do things right tonight that is.

Exercise

Having got into my second week of not drinking (let’s not count Saturday’s pint), my thoughts are turning to exercise. I won’t go as far as describing it as sport, but I know I need to be moving my body around more than I do.

I’ve been pretty successful in the last 10 days so it seems logical to extend that and really get fit. the problem is that I’m a lazy bugger when it comes to moving about. Where are you Muse?

Back on the wagon

Well, I hardly fell of it, did I? After my wild one-pint debauchery last night, I didn’t even notice 6 o’clock chime let alone 7. I just carried carried on writing as if it was 3 in the afternoon. We’d spent the afternoon on the beach with the dog eating chips and ice cream, well, it has to be done. I find now that I just don’t want to have a drink. It would be almost a betrayal.

I had a drink today

Just one. No dinner in the fridge so we ended up in the pub. Just one pint with dinner, that’s all.

I’ve been wondering this week what will happen when I have another drink. I might have the beginnings of an answer. I didn’t want a second one this evening. That was perhaps because of the situation I was in, I was driving. But I really didn’t want another one. It was/would almost be like a deception.

Is this becoming normal?

Well, it’s been almost a week and I haven’t touched a drop. I wasn’t tempted this evening. It’s Good Friday so like a Sunday and like the rest of the nation ended up with a spade in my hand. I suppose all that fresh air and exercise did me some good…

The main question is, what do I do now? Once I’ve achieved what I wanted to achieve, what do I do next?

Sport?

I was very tempted

Today hasn’t been particularly good day. The inspiration has been lacking, I’ve been messed around a bit by people and the tax man is being threatening again. The result was that I hardly got any work done.

Come 6 o’clock (that old difficult time again), I was seriously tempted by a cold beer. The problem is though that I know it wouldn’t have been just one. It would have been three. In the last few days I’ve come to appreciate the clear headed feeling, almost one of being in control.

I wonder sometimes what will happen when I do come off the wagon. How easy will it be to get back on it again? Will this feeling of well being sustain me? This is a feeling (OK, it’s only been five days, but in recent years that’s quite a record for me) that is giving me greater confidence. If I can crack this, then maybe I can crack the money problem.

Now there’s a thought.

Day 4

This is becoming easier. Afternoons working in the garden help I suppose. They lighten my mood perhaps. There’s also the fact that I’ve gained in confidence and self-belief in recent months. I’m more focussed on my aim of a six-figure turnover by next year. That means me earning something like 9 grand a month and doubling what I have now. But you know, I’m capable of it because I’m worth it and I give value.

I sometimes wonder what it will be like to have a drink again. That’s all part of the deal because I haven’t decided on complete severing. I’m quite enjoying this state and in the past I’ve felt quite guilty when I went back to it. I suppose that’s something I’ll have to manage when I come to it but I don’t think I’m going back just yet.

And what do you think Dr. Freud?

OK, I’ve been in therapy. Not for the first time mind, but this is the first time I’ve done it in my mother tongue. I’ve done it in French in the past and that was of great benefit, but this started out as therapy specifically about stopping drinking.

We’ve been a bit round the houses over the last few months but things seem to be coming to a head now. I was asked if I’d had a sense of loss when I was resisting yesterday evening. After all, Mr. Jack Daniels and many of his friends have been a crutch for me for a long time. I think I may have felt that. I was rejecting a friend that I’d had for a long time. And I felt guilty. What’s all that about?

It’s been three days now. Things weren’t nearly as difficult. A positive sign?

On we go

Well, two days now. Another day completed. It was difficult at my crucial time of between 6 and 7.30 mainly because I was feeling hungry. Very little lunch didn’t help. One thing the booze does, especially the beers, is reduce hunger. In normal circumstances I’d have cracked open the peanuts and sunk a couple of beers. As it is, I’ve got one of those hunger headaches I used to have as a kid.

Hey ho, a new sensation every day.

One day at a time

Although I was pleased yesterday to overcome the temptation just for one day, I had a strange sense of unease. Normally, that would have been numbed by the booze otherwise. I would have felt nothing. I feel a little nervous this morning because I have reasons to be worried, the month isn’t going particularly well and I have cash flow problems. The worries don’t go away because you have a drink.