Why?

After a promising start last week, it’s back down the black hole again. Although I feel encouraged by some weight loss (not sure why because I’ve done nothing to cause it), things are not looking too rosy on the drink front.

I know that fear is a great motivator. I’m running away from something and have been ever since I started drinking in my teens (probably before). At the time that was masked, it was fine to drink. Now it’s not, I’m too old for this game.

If I want to be a success, I need to be fit and sober. They are my criteria. Whatever I’m running away from can be and probably must be combatted through work and success.

Back on the wagon

Today was the first day without a drink for quite a while. I had far too much on Saturday and woke up this morning feeling terrible. No headache or sickness, just aching. I think aching bones and tiredness must be the new hangover.

Strangely enough it wasn’t an effort this evening even though I’m on my own and have not been able to concentrate on anything. So here we go, a week of not drinking, concentration and dynamism. And you never know, I might even make some money…

No, things haven’t been good but at least I know now

A few weeks ago, I thought that the ‘not drinking’ category would have far more posts than the ‘drinking’ category. I was on a roll and things could only get better. The reality is that they are almost neck and neck. Over the last week I’ve been hitting it well.

There’s one reason for this and one reason alone

I’m shit scared.

The taxman. Bills to pay. My own ability to succeed.

Wot? Ability to succeed. I understand the first two, they’re probably good reasons to be scared. But afraid of success?

This us where I get into cod psychology, but it’s my story, I’m allowed to.

I’ve always doubted my ability to get things right. I’ve always had serious problems with self-confidence. I’ve always hated any type of criticism. So I’ve always run away from problems instead of confronting them. Drinking is my way of pretending those problems don’t exist.

I’m going to a conference today. Three and a half hours drive. In this country, that’s a longish way so it’s an overnight stay. The theme is thinking big. Thinking big about business. Success.

I’ve always struggled to stay driven and focussed, even though I’ve always tried. That’s why I drink. Deal with that and I’ve cracked the problem. I’ve shown myself recently what I can do. Carry on.

Things haven’t been going well

Not for the last few days anyway. I haven’t completely fallen back into old habits, not in terms of quantity at least, but things haven’t been like they were in the first week.

When I look back I was:

more awake
more productive
more serene
calmer

So why go back to the booze? I think it’s been increased worries. Not much money’s been coming in and although I’ll get a lot this week, I’m obviously being chased.

On the plus side, there are other things in the business that are going well and my big money making opportunity is coming on well.

Tally ho

It’s not always plain sailing

I didn’t have a drink on Friday and I felt quite good about things. I was back on track. Then over the weekend I was back to old habits. A couple of G&Ts and half a bottle of wine. By Monday, it was down to just the G&Ts because there was no wine left and I didn’t feel inclined to walk down the road and spend more than six quid on the slops on offer there.

Then yesterday I was asked out for a beer by a potentially really good client so well, I had to say yes didn’t I? Only a couple, but it was a really good discussion and things are looking good for the future. But then there was the beer with the fish n chips when I got back and the remaining beers in the fridge now.

The key to all this is the underlying fears about money.

I’ve had a good day

I had a really good evening. I took the opportunity to go to a new networking event and meet some different people. I also spent a long time talking to a couple of older acquaintances, one of whom is always interesting, a kindred spirit somewhat, about subjects ranging from the New Yorker magazine to the TED conferences.

Also, work took a turn for the better with a prospect (well client now) so that seems to be moving on.

Oh by the way. I had 2 pints today.

When things don’t go well

Yes, I had one today. Just one, it was the dinner in the pub scenario. I’ve had a shitty day today. Too many fears resurfacing, people ringing and phone calls to be avoided. It all comes down to money and the fear that brings.

There’s definitely a link between the drinking and the fear and drops in self-belief. I was watching some TED videos today about things like failure and self-belief. In a way it’s good to see it an an intellectualised context because I can relate to it a bit more. More than just “oh believe in yourself” or “you can do it if you just believe” bollocks, these videos explain the contexts and make them mor understandable.

Jack Daniel’s got me

It wasn’t a good day yesterday. I’m not sure why. I didn’t get much work done, I was out in the morning consulting the Muse and I hadn’t been back long when Apple called me to tell me the iPad was ready. Being the impatient child that I am, I rushed off down to get it and from now I will do most of my blogging on it. If my typing allows of course, I seem to be making a number of errors on it. Must be the iOS kind of predictable text.

There’s been something wrong today though, must be an impending sense of something going pear-shaped. I hit the remaining JD in the cupboard. This after telling people I didn’t want to betray myself. I haven’t really, not if I do things right tonight that is.

I had a drink today

Just one. No dinner in the fridge so we ended up in the pub. Just one pint with dinner, that’s all.

I’ve been wondering this week what will happen when I have another drink. I might have the beginnings of an answer. I didn’t want a second one this evening. That was perhaps because of the situation I was in, I was driving. But I really didn’t want another one. It was/would almost be like a deception.

A walk by the sea

Yes, I had a few yesterday. After waking up in the morning thinking I might not, I ended up on the beers in the afternoon listening to the football and making an onion tart in the kitchen.

Why is it? You wake up with good intentions, that desire for well-being, you can almost touch it, it’s almost there. Then as the day goes on, stuff happens and by the time the evening comes around, the moment has gone. Oh well, I’ll do it tomorrow. Hello darkness, my old friend.

I’ve got family here today and we’re going off for a walk along the beach later. A hit of fresh air and exercise. That’s what I need.